"Josh's Girlfriend"

Ok.  So this one is a bit of a rant.  Bear with me.

This semester I have been forced to take Stage Lighting so I can get my degree.  Like it's essential or something.... Josh is taking Costume Construction at that time. Talk about a messed up universe.  I'm pretty sure the entire universe stops for those 50 minutes because it's so confused.  Anyhow.  I have heard how tough Ron's tests are and such and I have NEVER understood lights.  My good friend Jamie does them and while we were both at Southwester, I always was in awe of her for knowing all this stuff that was so utterly confusing to me and so completely not interesting.

So I've been busting my ass to get a good grade in that class.  I have read the book, took detailed notes and asked Josh questions that I have been confused about for the tests.  I've gotten 97 and 100 on both of the tests!  Super happy about that!

We had an assignment in class that I surprisingly really enjoyed.  We were to cue a song of our choice in the light lab.  I chose the ridiculous song by Britney Spears:  Bombastic Love.  I had so much fun!  I had used a board like the one in the lab at Southwestern (O Lordy, the fears that the name 'Eagerheart' brings to light board ops) so I knew how to set cues and use the board to it's full potential.  I used a gobo.  That was the only part Josh had to help me on.  He was gone the entire week I worked on this and came back on Sunday and let me run it for him.  He told me it was impossible to use a gobo on the lights in the lab, but I could use the ERS on the stand in the room.  That was it.  As soon as I finished my kickass show in class everyone said, "Wow.  Do you know Josh Taylor?"  

What the hell.  Seriously?  I spent 5 hours in this light lab by myself designing this.  Josh was not even in town.  He had no phone for me to call and answer questions.  

The excuse for me getting such high scores on the tests is that I am dating Josh Taylor.  How the hell does that get me good scores?  One of his roommates is in that class.  He didn't get a high score.  3 or 4 or the other students in the class are his good friends and they didn't get as high as scores as I do.  It's because I asked for help.  I asked intelligent questions of him.  Everyone else in that class could have.  No one did.  

I just get enraged when people when people attribute my hard work to Josh because I'm his girlfriend.  I'm just an intelligent human being who asks questions.  Josh isn't that bad ass, I am....

Why Is It?

So, a few things have been on my mind lately.  And they are irksome little things that happen that cannot be avoided, yet it really gets under my skins....

Why is it that whenever you are trying to get somewhere on time or get something done one time, that all the fates in the world work against you?  That happened to me this week with work.  I really needed to work in the shop, but it was closed.  My job at the newspaper proved to be horrifyingly difficult for me. This is my biggest fear for next week as I head to Chicago for grad school auditions...  I am not nervous for getting in to one or not.  I know what will happen is going to happen and I firmly believe there is an overall plan for it.  I am going in as prepared as I can be.  But I have a feeling I will let my stress take me over about catching transportation to the hotel rather than enjoying the fact that I am auditioning in Chicago....

Why is it that people need to be recognized for their charity?  Watching tv last night a commercial came on for a new reality series where a millionaire goes in disguise to be involved with someone/some organization that needs money and then surprises them in the middle of a meeting or something by saying they are rich as shit and want to give them money.  Yay.  That's cool.  But also sickening.  This is a major flaw I find with Oprah.  If you have all this money, why do you need people watching you spend it in a good way?  You didn't need to publicize it on tv when you bought a yacht.  Or college education at an ivy league school for your child.  Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled this is the direction reality tv has finally gone in.  But it's disgusting.  Why do people need that recognition?

Why is it so expensive to travel?  Sure, there are cheap ways of doing it, but even for those you need some money saved up.  I feel like it's a necessary experience for at least 90% of the world's population.  It helps people understand other cultures better.  It opens eyes and minds up to new possibilities.  It's fun.  Why is it denied to so many people?

Practice Makes Perfect

So I'm a fool.  At least I feel like one.  I knew that over Christmas break I procrastinated preparing monologues that I would be using at the beginning of the semester; however, I didn't realize how foolish that was until the middle of KCACTF...

I realized this as I was preparing in my hotel room for my professional summer stock audition that I was so unprepared.  Sure, I had multiple monologues to choose from depending on how I was feeling that day, but a couple of them were definitely not up to par.  I then looked back and asked myself when do I work on my craft?  When I get cast in a show?  Sure, that's important, but I need to hone my craft before I get into shows.  

I spent all semester last fall in an independent study with Bartruff working on analyzing and performing Shakespeare.  It was fantastic!  Very rarely does a student get one on one time with the Beard.  It was probably the most rewarding time I have ever spent.  I felt like I was straight out of the RSC workshop when John Barton aired a television series about how to play Shakespeare.  However, I haven't worked on anything else.  I feel like that is completely necessary of me as an actor.  I spend time in the costume shop working and expanding my skills.  Music people are constantly practicing their craft.  I need to spend more time in the studio in front of the mirror.  Or.... eek!  the dreaded camera!  

Also, even though I studied some Shakespeare monologues and Jim gave me his vote of confidence by recommending I use my Lady Macbeth purple speech for callbacks at URTAs, I still had a serious slide of confidence at summer stock auditions at KCACTF.  I thought to myself, "How often have I performed Shakespeare?  What the hell qualifies me to even audition for it?"  So clearly my work needs to continue in this area...

I am excited to continue my work with Bartruff in a continuance of my Shakespeare independent study.  However, I am going to do more.  There are always shows I want to do.  Like Doubt.  How soon will I get to do that, if ever?  Why not perfect a monologue just for myself?  I will get to do work I want to do.  What a novel idea....

Eclipse Epiphany

Last night I got to witness one of the most phenomenal natural wonders of our solar system.  Sure, sure a lunar eclipse comes around every 4 years, right?  But this was the first time in 300 some odd years that a total lunar eclipse had fallen on the winter solstice.  I found out a total lunar eclipse is actually a pretty big deal.  It is actually more rare than a solar eclipse.  I heard someone say (so I don't know how factual this is) that it will be another 400 years until a total lunar eclipse on a winter solstice again.  Maybe it was a total lunar eclipse period.  


It was a rare night indeed watching this lunar eclipse in Rosalia, Kansas.  The night started off cloudy and I was afraid I would miss the big event.  As the clouds began to clear away around 11 pm, it was unusually bright outside.  I went out to look at the moon at 12:15 and it was still bright.  No shadow was cast on its surface yet.  I debated sitting outside, but I had scared a skunk off when I opened the door and decided to let him have the back yard for a while.  When I went back out at 1, it was halfway covered, noticeably darker, and the clouds had formed a unique ring or circle opening around the moon.  This time I chickened out of camping out because it was colder and I had just watched Wolfman this past weekend...  At 1:45, it was almost completely covered and a slight pinkish tint was noticeable.  I thought to myself that surely wearwolves cannot get their power during a lunar eclipse, but kind of freaked out when the wind blew through some tall grass behind me.  Finally, at 2:30, when it was completely covered it was nearly pitch black outside and the entirety of the moon was pink.  The pink color came from the reflection of light coming from the earth's atmosphere - a light we provided.  It was eerie.  And cold.  And unique.  A night I will never forget.  


But the reason I won't forget it is not because of the rarity of a lunar eclipse.  It's because while I was standing alone on my back porch, my family asleep inside and my closest neighbors asleep 2 miles down the road, with raccoons and skunks and the cattle in the barn, staring at the moon, so were over a billion other people.  This eclipse that is a powerful display of the complexity and simplicity balanced in our solar system, and our extreme lack of control over nature was something that all viewers around the world were part of last night.  I was a single part of an unfathomably large scale natural wonder in which I had absolutely no affect on whatsoever.  I have never in my life, try as I might, been so in the moment as I was those 5 minute intervals I stepped outside to stare at the moon.  


Filled with the excitement of the winter solstice (I know, major hippie - it's the full moon), while I was reading my book today, I had an epiphany.  I am reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and am finding myself very intrigued by some of the discoveries that she made.  If you liked the movie - the book is far more insightful.  We, as Americans, are so busy with getting things done in an efficient manner in order to put more in our days that we fail to enjoy life to the fullest and to wholly understand our purpose.  Through mediation that is practiced in Hinduism, one is in the pursuit to find connection with their soul, which is connected to God and to the universe.  She compares it to listening to your heart rather than to your head.  I need a lot more of that in my life.  


So I've decided to try meditating.  Just get a feel for it through this next semester.  I also want to look into the practice of Hinduism when I grow up and move to a bigger city.  It is not that I am unhappy with Catholicism - quite the contrary- it's just that I want to explore a more efficient means of practice with the one I have already.  We'll see how it goes....


On a kind of side note:  one of my favorite quotes and lessons in the book was when a friend of hers in Italy tells her, "Do not apologize for crying.  WIthout this emotion, we are only robots."  I'm going to cry freely more often.  No reservations.  And I'm not going to apologize.  


All this stems from feeling so small and individual and part of something so magnificently HUGE.  From what I have read, meditation brings about a similar feeling.  I am on a quest to find it...........

Torn

So lately, with the coming of the end of the semester, I have been thinking a lot about where I will be next year.  And I cannot for the life of me decide which one I want to most definitely want to have...  I'm getting ready to send out all my packets that I have spent several weeks compiling telling grad schools about how great of a hard worker I am, how badly I want to be in their program, and all the while, constantly being reminded of the work I have done...  It makes me want to get into Penn State SO DAMN BAD!!!!!  Taking classes with other actors who are all good and who all want to be good.  Living in a new place that isn't Kansas.  Traveling to England.  Doing Shakespeare!!!  Getting an MFA - a degree that says I now qualify for a job that is better for McDonald's (Side note:  I have applied to work for them.  They don't want me.  Neither does Taco Bell.).  Really just getting into any of my top 10 grad schools means getting to study more with new people who's ideas and values are fresh and insightful! 

But then that means I would be spending a year without Josh.  Sure, I can look at this and say - with a firm belief, mind you - that we could make it work.  But what if - what if, on that off chance, it doesn't?  If it was the option of going to grad school and loosing him, I would obviously stay in Emporia for another year.  And that wouldn't be so bad.  I could work a lot and make some much needed money.  I could read a lot of books and plays that I haven't had the chance to read due to school.  I could take some dance lessons and just work out in general to try and get my body into a more workable actor's body.  I could work several monologues.  I could do more community service.  I could prep for grad school next year - there are a handful that I really liked that were not accepting this year.... And - most importantly - I would be with Josh.  

Even if it were to work out that I would get into a grad school and go and Josh and I would be just fine, how fair is it to him to already have his destination for the next 2 years picked out?  Sure, he doesn't have the passion or drive I have for getting an MFA right now, but I didn't have that drive until this semester...  

Yikes.  This is all heavy stuff.  I really just want to join the Peace Corps for a couple years and then come back and go to grad school.  But I can't do that with Josh either so it would kind of defeat the purpose...

Who says I'm even qualified to get into a grad program right now anyhow?  I'll just have to pray to God and trust that He will set me on the right path...  

In the meantime, I'll just wait......................  And make the most of my break from classes!

Giving of Thanks

With Thanksgiving having been very prevalent in the past week through dinner preparations with friends and with the excitement of anticipation for the real deal tomorrow, I've been thinking a lot about what I'm thankful for, where I'm at, and how I got here.  One person comes to mind as a strong influence in my life, really responsible for everything I am doing right now.  Julie Miller.

I met Julie at Southwestern College 3 years ago and knew immediately this was someone I had to be friends with.  She was, and still is, literally bat-shit crazy.  She is so full of ideas and dreams it's impossible not to dream yourself when you are around her and think of ALL the possibilities.  After a year and a quarter together at Southwestern College, Julie began to question whether this was the right school for her.  The same question had been flowing through my mind at different moments in time through my 2 and a half years there.  It wasn't until Julie was bold enough to press me into examining why this question was reoccurring and why I hadn't done anything about it that I really examined it.  Along with her, I weighed my options, the pros and cons of being in Winfield, the reality of going somewhere else, the costs financially, the options of other places... Every question was turned over and over between the two of us in that month before we decided to go through with it.  I remember the nervousness we had of hiding our college visits as being sick and not making it to class... I remember the terror of going into Roger and Allyson and telling them I would be going to ESU next semester.... Our last party in Winfield in which I had to say goodbye to so many fantastic people I had gotten so close to...  Hardest thing I've ever done.  But definitely the best.

Because of this transfer I have met so many more wonderful people!  I love working in the costume shop here, I love the options of classes I have - I have found a hidden talent and interest in scenic design! - I have been given great guidance by the professors here, the magic of ESU Summer Theatre has prevailed once again this past year as one of the best periods of my life - I love it here!  My first semester here I was doubting my transfer.  I didn't enjoy it.  But constant conversations with Julie have opened my eyes to looking at the present rather than the past or future.  I have met the man of my dreams and have a solid idea for what I would like in my future, but I'm not so worried it turns out exactly like that.  I can fret and worry about what I have done and what I will do, but I can change those.  I can only influence them by what I am doing at the present.  Julie Miller is the epitome of that and had made me realize that is the way to live life.

So what am I thankful for?  Friends, family, my boyfriend, this school - it all adds up to Julie Miller.  Thank you chica!

Standing O

A few weeks back I went to the touring show of the Houston Ballet here in Emporia, KS.... 

I LOVE going to ballets.  It is the perfect magical atmosphere of attending a show.  People still dress up nice for them, the casualness of clothing has not set in as it has in the theatre realm.  It's different from opera in the sense that everyone can truly appreciate ballet.  Sure, opera singers are insanely talented, but their talents are not appreciated by everyone today.  Music still plays such an important role in our world's daily life - but everyone has their own style they like.  Only true music lovers are open to the idea of different genres of music.  Dance, however, is an art form that is making a comeback.  For the longest time it was pushed out of our lives, no longer deemed necessary.  Recently reality television shows have have helped to bring a resurgence of this at form and its multiple facets.  We can all easily embrace the difficulty of moving one's body in such controlled ways that practiced dancers can.  In my opinion from my observations, it is easier for people to accept, embrace and enjoy dance...

My favorite part of a ballet is seeing all the little girls come in before the show wearing dress they wore for Christmas or Easter, their hair up in buns, a little bit of make-up on their faces to make them feel grown-up like mom, finding their seat only to trade with mom and adjust themselves on their knees to see better.  One such little girl sat by me in the back row.  They had gotten there kind of late and there were no more seats near the front - on top of that, the mother didn't want to sit that close.  Why person after person came into the theatre that night not wanting to sit in the front two thirds of the auditorium is beyond me....  This little girl had taken ballet for two years and tap for one.  She informed me that her tap shoes are kept up high though.  Her mom explained she liked the noise they made so much that she would wear them every where so now they are kept on the top shelf of the closet...

With all these children there, the dreams and hopes they generate are almost tangible in the energy of the air....  

At the end of the show, the ballet company full of 16 year-old dancers who were fantastic received a standing ovation.  My initial thought was, do these dancers really deserve a standing o?  They were good, yes, but they are young and not the best and this is small town Kansas.  This was a once in a lifetime opportunity for many of the people there....  A standing o?  Really?  Attending theatre performances here at ESU has raised that question in my mind when a production will get a few people standing up at the end if not the entire audience.  Really?

But why am I so skeptical?  This performance touched these people in a way that moved them return what they could to the performers.  Isn't that our goal?  To move people?  To plant a seed of thought or motivation?  If one person stands and claps at the end of a show, making a fool of their self, it's worth it.  It's what you came to do as a performer.  Never again will I judge the validity of a standing ovation...