A New Direction...

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

~Jimmy Dean

I know.  it's pretty deep for a guy who makes breakfast sausages (just kidding, he was a country music singer).  It's how I need to think right now. 

I haven't really given it the chance to soak in yet, but I am staying in Emporia next year.  No grad schools wanted me.  Now I have to find a crappy job and stay in Emporia, Kansas.  Doing no theatre.  

On the one hand, it will be great because I won't have to do the whole distance thing with Josh.  We are going to have to face that this summer while he's in Santa Fe and I'm not looking forward to those 3 months.  I have a hard time imagining myself coping over the span of a whole school year.  

And I'll be saving money.  I have been a little careless with the gravity of credit and my credit card has proven burdensome.  Hopefully I can get it all paid off by the end of December and then save money to move away from Emporia. Oh, and start paying off my student loans.  Provided I can get a decent job or two.  

I won't be living with boys!  I will be living with ONE GIRL.  And in a nice apartment!  I am very excited for that!  

But I am scared of what will happen to me in that year.  I will not be doing any theatre.  I am loving every moment of preparation I have been doing for Titania in Midsummer's and am working on breaking my inhibitions in trying new things in rehersals rather than trying to have the right answer when I'm there (what else is practice for?!).  I have a contract for this summer and I am getting do something new: scene design.  I get to work with Rick on his show and then design Barefoot in the Park which I am excited/nervous/overwhelmed/terrified/ecstatic over!  And my last show on Bruder will be the children's theatre show that will give me the chance to work with Ben and Susie's designs.  

But then what?  I will no longer be a college student, but I'll be hanging out with all of them - so I essentially still will be?  But without the perks of knowing what's going on in the department and having the common bond of late nights spent in the design room...  I'm terrified I'm not going to grow any but be stuck in one place in my life longer than I should be.

I'm going to make it a year for me.  About me.  I am going to teach myself how to play the guitar.  I am going to learn Spanish.  I'm going to READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm going to brush up on my piano skills.  I'm going to take voice lessons.  I'm going to do yoga.  I'm going to meditate.  I have spent the last 22 years of my life cramming it full of any activity I could possibly be involved with.  Now I'm going to take a step back, take a deep breath and explore what I want to, not what I am expected to...

Making the Wheels Turn

Whoa.  I "stumbleupon"-ed this website just tonight.  Josh had found it last week and read it to me and it had left a lingering thought in my mind.  And now I find it again so soon and all my thoughts and ponderings on the meaning of life have resurfaced and I am sure will be at the front of my mind for the next week.  I feel like everyone should read this - it will make the wheels start turning... 

I wish I could give credit to the guy who wrote this, but it is all anonymous..... Enjoy. 

You were on your way home when you died.  

It was a car accident.  Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless.  You left behind a wife and two children.  It was a painless death.  The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail.  Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that's when you met me.

"What... what happened?"  You asked.  "Where am I?"

"You died," I said, matter-of-factly.  No point in mincing words.

"There was a... a truck and it was skidding..."

"Yup," I said.

"I... I died?"

"Yup.  But don't feel bad about it.  Everyone dies," I said.

You looked around.  There was nothingness.  Just you and me.  "What is this place?" You asked.  "Is this the afterlife?"

"More or less," I said.

"Are you God?" You asked.

"Yup," I replied. "I'm God."

"My kids... my wife," you said.

"What about them?"

"Will they be all right?"

"That's what I like to see," I said.  "You just died and your main concern is your family.  That's good stuff right there."

You looked at me with fascination.  To you, I didn't look like God.  I just looked like some man.  Or possibly a woman.  Some vague authority figure, maybe.  More of a grammar school teacher tha the almightly.

"Don't worry," I said.  "They'll be fine.  Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way.  They didn't have time to grow contempt for you.  Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved.  To be fair, your marriage was falling apart.  If it's any consolation, she'll feel very guilty for feeling relieved."

"Oh," you said.  "So what happens now?  Do I go to heaven or hell or something?"

"Neither," I said.  "You'll be reincarnated."

"Ah," you said.  "So the Hindus were right."

"All religions are right in their own way," I said.  "Walk with me.

You followed along as we strode through the void.  "Where are we going?"

"Nowhere in particular," I said.  "It's just nice to walk while we talk."

"So what's the point, then?" You asked.  "When I get reborn, I'll just be a blank slate, right?  A baby.  So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won't matter."

"Not so!"  I said.  "You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives.  You just don't remember them right now."

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders.  "Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine.  A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are.  It's like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it's hot or cold.  You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you've gained all the experiences it had.

"You've been a human for the last 58 years, so you haven't stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness.  If we hung out here for long enough, you'd start remembering everything.  But there's no point to doing that between each life."

"How man times have I been reincarnated, then?"

"Oh lots.  Lots and lots.  And into lots of different lives," I said.  "This time around, you'll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD."

"Wait, what?" You stammered.  "You're sending me back in time?"

"Well, I guess technically.  Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe.  Things are different where I come from."

"Where you come from?" You said.

"Oh sure," I explained, "I come from somewhere.  Somewhere else.  And there are others like me.  I know you'll want to know what it's like there, but honestly you wouldn't understand."

"Oh," you said, a little let down.  "But wait.  If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point."

"Sure.  Happens all the time.  And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don't even know it's happening."

"So what's the point of it all?"

"Seriously?" I asked.  "Seriously?  You're asking me for the meaning of life?  Isn't that a little stereotypical?"

"Well it's a reasonable question," you persisted.

I looked you in the eye.  "The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature."

"You mean mankind?  You want us to mature?"

"No just you.  I made this whole universe for you.  With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect."

"Just me?  What about everyone else?"

"There is no one else," I said.  "In this universe, there's just you and me."

You stared blankly at me.  "But all of the people on earth..."

"All you.  Different incarnations of you."

"Wait.  I'm everyone?!"

"Now you're getting it," I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

"I'm every human being who ever lived?"

"Or who will ever live, yes."

"I'm Abraham Lincoln?"

"And you're John Wilkes Booth, too," I added.

"I'm Hitler?" you said, applled.

"And you're the millions he killed."

"I'm Jesus?"

"And you're everyone who followed him."

You fell silent.

"Every time you victimized someone," I said, "You were victimizing yourself.  Every act of kindness you've done, you've done to yourself.  Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you."

You thought for a long time.

"Why?"  You asked me.  "Why do all this?"

"Because someday, you will become like me.  Because that's what you are.  You're one of my kind.  You are my child."

"Whoa," you said, incredulous.  "You mean I'm a god?"

"No.  Not yet.  You're a fetus.  You're still growing.  Once you've lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born."

"So the whole universe," you said, "It's just..."

"An egg."  I answered.  "Now it's time for you to move on to your next life."

And I sent you on your way.

"Josh's Girlfriend"

Ok.  So this one is a bit of a rant.  Bear with me.

This semester I have been forced to take Stage Lighting so I can get my degree.  Like it's essential or something.... Josh is taking Costume Construction at that time. Talk about a messed up universe.  I'm pretty sure the entire universe stops for those 50 minutes because it's so confused.  Anyhow.  I have heard how tough Ron's tests are and such and I have NEVER understood lights.  My good friend Jamie does them and while we were both at Southwester, I always was in awe of her for knowing all this stuff that was so utterly confusing to me and so completely not interesting.

So I've been busting my ass to get a good grade in that class.  I have read the book, took detailed notes and asked Josh questions that I have been confused about for the tests.  I've gotten 97 and 100 on both of the tests!  Super happy about that!

We had an assignment in class that I surprisingly really enjoyed.  We were to cue a song of our choice in the light lab.  I chose the ridiculous song by Britney Spears:  Bombastic Love.  I had so much fun!  I had used a board like the one in the lab at Southwestern (O Lordy, the fears that the name 'Eagerheart' brings to light board ops) so I knew how to set cues and use the board to it's full potential.  I used a gobo.  That was the only part Josh had to help me on.  He was gone the entire week I worked on this and came back on Sunday and let me run it for him.  He told me it was impossible to use a gobo on the lights in the lab, but I could use the ERS on the stand in the room.  That was it.  As soon as I finished my kickass show in class everyone said, "Wow.  Do you know Josh Taylor?"  

What the hell.  Seriously?  I spent 5 hours in this light lab by myself designing this.  Josh was not even in town.  He had no phone for me to call and answer questions.  

The excuse for me getting such high scores on the tests is that I am dating Josh Taylor.  How the hell does that get me good scores?  One of his roommates is in that class.  He didn't get a high score.  3 or 4 or the other students in the class are his good friends and they didn't get as high as scores as I do.  It's because I asked for help.  I asked intelligent questions of him.  Everyone else in that class could have.  No one did.  

I just get enraged when people when people attribute my hard work to Josh because I'm his girlfriend.  I'm just an intelligent human being who asks questions.  Josh isn't that bad ass, I am....

Why Is It?

So, a few things have been on my mind lately.  And they are irksome little things that happen that cannot be avoided, yet it really gets under my skins....

Why is it that whenever you are trying to get somewhere on time or get something done one time, that all the fates in the world work against you?  That happened to me this week with work.  I really needed to work in the shop, but it was closed.  My job at the newspaper proved to be horrifyingly difficult for me. This is my biggest fear for next week as I head to Chicago for grad school auditions...  I am not nervous for getting in to one or not.  I know what will happen is going to happen and I firmly believe there is an overall plan for it.  I am going in as prepared as I can be.  But I have a feeling I will let my stress take me over about catching transportation to the hotel rather than enjoying the fact that I am auditioning in Chicago....

Why is it that people need to be recognized for their charity?  Watching tv last night a commercial came on for a new reality series where a millionaire goes in disguise to be involved with someone/some organization that needs money and then surprises them in the middle of a meeting or something by saying they are rich as shit and want to give them money.  Yay.  That's cool.  But also sickening.  This is a major flaw I find with Oprah.  If you have all this money, why do you need people watching you spend it in a good way?  You didn't need to publicize it on tv when you bought a yacht.  Or college education at an ivy league school for your child.  Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled this is the direction reality tv has finally gone in.  But it's disgusting.  Why do people need that recognition?

Why is it so expensive to travel?  Sure, there are cheap ways of doing it, but even for those you need some money saved up.  I feel like it's a necessary experience for at least 90% of the world's population.  It helps people understand other cultures better.  It opens eyes and minds up to new possibilities.  It's fun.  Why is it denied to so many people?

Practice Makes Perfect

So I'm a fool.  At least I feel like one.  I knew that over Christmas break I procrastinated preparing monologues that I would be using at the beginning of the semester; however, I didn't realize how foolish that was until the middle of KCACTF...

I realized this as I was preparing in my hotel room for my professional summer stock audition that I was so unprepared.  Sure, I had multiple monologues to choose from depending on how I was feeling that day, but a couple of them were definitely not up to par.  I then looked back and asked myself when do I work on my craft?  When I get cast in a show?  Sure, that's important, but I need to hone my craft before I get into shows.  

I spent all semester last fall in an independent study with Bartruff working on analyzing and performing Shakespeare.  It was fantastic!  Very rarely does a student get one on one time with the Beard.  It was probably the most rewarding time I have ever spent.  I felt like I was straight out of the RSC workshop when John Barton aired a television series about how to play Shakespeare.  However, I haven't worked on anything else.  I feel like that is completely necessary of me as an actor.  I spend time in the costume shop working and expanding my skills.  Music people are constantly practicing their craft.  I need to spend more time in the studio in front of the mirror.  Or.... eek!  the dreaded camera!  

Also, even though I studied some Shakespeare monologues and Jim gave me his vote of confidence by recommending I use my Lady Macbeth purple speech for callbacks at URTAs, I still had a serious slide of confidence at summer stock auditions at KCACTF.  I thought to myself, "How often have I performed Shakespeare?  What the hell qualifies me to even audition for it?"  So clearly my work needs to continue in this area...

I am excited to continue my work with Bartruff in a continuance of my Shakespeare independent study.  However, I am going to do more.  There are always shows I want to do.  Like Doubt.  How soon will I get to do that, if ever?  Why not perfect a monologue just for myself?  I will get to do work I want to do.  What a novel idea....

Eclipse Epiphany

Last night I got to witness one of the most phenomenal natural wonders of our solar system.  Sure, sure a lunar eclipse comes around every 4 years, right?  But this was the first time in 300 some odd years that a total lunar eclipse had fallen on the winter solstice.  I found out a total lunar eclipse is actually a pretty big deal.  It is actually more rare than a solar eclipse.  I heard someone say (so I don't know how factual this is) that it will be another 400 years until a total lunar eclipse on a winter solstice again.  Maybe it was a total lunar eclipse period.  


It was a rare night indeed watching this lunar eclipse in Rosalia, Kansas.  The night started off cloudy and I was afraid I would miss the big event.  As the clouds began to clear away around 11 pm, it was unusually bright outside.  I went out to look at the moon at 12:15 and it was still bright.  No shadow was cast on its surface yet.  I debated sitting outside, but I had scared a skunk off when I opened the door and decided to let him have the back yard for a while.  When I went back out at 1, it was halfway covered, noticeably darker, and the clouds had formed a unique ring or circle opening around the moon.  This time I chickened out of camping out because it was colder and I had just watched Wolfman this past weekend...  At 1:45, it was almost completely covered and a slight pinkish tint was noticeable.  I thought to myself that surely wearwolves cannot get their power during a lunar eclipse, but kind of freaked out when the wind blew through some tall grass behind me.  Finally, at 2:30, when it was completely covered it was nearly pitch black outside and the entirety of the moon was pink.  The pink color came from the reflection of light coming from the earth's atmosphere - a light we provided.  It was eerie.  And cold.  And unique.  A night I will never forget.  


But the reason I won't forget it is not because of the rarity of a lunar eclipse.  It's because while I was standing alone on my back porch, my family asleep inside and my closest neighbors asleep 2 miles down the road, with raccoons and skunks and the cattle in the barn, staring at the moon, so were over a billion other people.  This eclipse that is a powerful display of the complexity and simplicity balanced in our solar system, and our extreme lack of control over nature was something that all viewers around the world were part of last night.  I was a single part of an unfathomably large scale natural wonder in which I had absolutely no affect on whatsoever.  I have never in my life, try as I might, been so in the moment as I was those 5 minute intervals I stepped outside to stare at the moon.  


Filled with the excitement of the winter solstice (I know, major hippie - it's the full moon), while I was reading my book today, I had an epiphany.  I am reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and am finding myself very intrigued by some of the discoveries that she made.  If you liked the movie - the book is far more insightful.  We, as Americans, are so busy with getting things done in an efficient manner in order to put more in our days that we fail to enjoy life to the fullest and to wholly understand our purpose.  Through mediation that is practiced in Hinduism, one is in the pursuit to find connection with their soul, which is connected to God and to the universe.  She compares it to listening to your heart rather than to your head.  I need a lot more of that in my life.  


So I've decided to try meditating.  Just get a feel for it through this next semester.  I also want to look into the practice of Hinduism when I grow up and move to a bigger city.  It is not that I am unhappy with Catholicism - quite the contrary- it's just that I want to explore a more efficient means of practice with the one I have already.  We'll see how it goes....


On a kind of side note:  one of my favorite quotes and lessons in the book was when a friend of hers in Italy tells her, "Do not apologize for crying.  WIthout this emotion, we are only robots."  I'm going to cry freely more often.  No reservations.  And I'm not going to apologize.  


All this stems from feeling so small and individual and part of something so magnificently HUGE.  From what I have read, meditation brings about a similar feeling.  I am on a quest to find it...........

Torn

So lately, with the coming of the end of the semester, I have been thinking a lot about where I will be next year.  And I cannot for the life of me decide which one I want to most definitely want to have...  I'm getting ready to send out all my packets that I have spent several weeks compiling telling grad schools about how great of a hard worker I am, how badly I want to be in their program, and all the while, constantly being reminded of the work I have done...  It makes me want to get into Penn State SO DAMN BAD!!!!!  Taking classes with other actors who are all good and who all want to be good.  Living in a new place that isn't Kansas.  Traveling to England.  Doing Shakespeare!!!  Getting an MFA - a degree that says I now qualify for a job that is better for McDonald's (Side note:  I have applied to work for them.  They don't want me.  Neither does Taco Bell.).  Really just getting into any of my top 10 grad schools means getting to study more with new people who's ideas and values are fresh and insightful! 

But then that means I would be spending a year without Josh.  Sure, I can look at this and say - with a firm belief, mind you - that we could make it work.  But what if - what if, on that off chance, it doesn't?  If it was the option of going to grad school and loosing him, I would obviously stay in Emporia for another year.  And that wouldn't be so bad.  I could work a lot and make some much needed money.  I could read a lot of books and plays that I haven't had the chance to read due to school.  I could take some dance lessons and just work out in general to try and get my body into a more workable actor's body.  I could work several monologues.  I could do more community service.  I could prep for grad school next year - there are a handful that I really liked that were not accepting this year.... And - most importantly - I would be with Josh.  

Even if it were to work out that I would get into a grad school and go and Josh and I would be just fine, how fair is it to him to already have his destination for the next 2 years picked out?  Sure, he doesn't have the passion or drive I have for getting an MFA right now, but I didn't have that drive until this semester...  

Yikes.  This is all heavy stuff.  I really just want to join the Peace Corps for a couple years and then come back and go to grad school.  But I can't do that with Josh either so it would kind of defeat the purpose...

Who says I'm even qualified to get into a grad program right now anyhow?  I'll just have to pray to God and trust that He will set me on the right path...  

In the meantime, I'll just wait......................  And make the most of my break from classes!