Last night I got to witness one of the most phenomenal natural wonders of our solar system. Sure, sure a lunar eclipse comes around every 4 years, right? But this was the first time in 300 some odd years that a total lunar eclipse had fallen on the winter solstice. I found out a total lunar eclipse is actually a pretty big deal. It is actually more rare than a solar eclipse. I heard someone say (so I don't know how factual this is) that it will be another 400 years until a total lunar eclipse on a winter solstice again. Maybe it was a total lunar eclipse period.
It was a rare night indeed watching this lunar eclipse in Rosalia, Kansas. The night started off cloudy and I was afraid I would miss the big event. As the clouds began to clear away around 11 pm, it was unusually bright outside. I went out to look at the moon at 12:15 and it was still bright. No shadow was cast on its surface yet. I debated sitting outside, but I had scared a skunk off when I opened the door and decided to let him have the back yard for a while. When I went back out at 1, it was halfway covered, noticeably darker, and the clouds had formed a unique ring or circle opening around the moon. This time I chickened out of camping out because it was colder and I had just watched Wolfman this past weekend... At 1:45, it was almost completely covered and a slight pinkish tint was noticeable. I thought to myself that surely wearwolves cannot get their power during a lunar eclipse, but kind of freaked out when the wind blew through some tall grass behind me. Finally, at 2:30, when it was completely covered it was nearly pitch black outside and the entirety of the moon was pink. The pink color came from the reflection of light coming from the earth's atmosphere - a light we provided. It was eerie. And cold. And unique. A night I will never forget.
But the reason I won't forget it is not because of the rarity of a lunar eclipse. It's because while I was standing alone on my back porch, my family asleep inside and my closest neighbors asleep 2 miles down the road, with raccoons and skunks and the cattle in the barn, staring at the moon, so were over a billion other people. This eclipse that is a powerful display of the complexity and simplicity balanced in our solar system, and our extreme lack of control over nature was something that all viewers around the world were part of last night. I was a single part of an unfathomably large scale natural wonder in which I had absolutely no affect on whatsoever. I have never in my life, try as I might, been so in the moment as I was those 5 minute intervals I stepped outside to stare at the moon.
Filled with the excitement of the winter solstice (I know, major hippie - it's the full moon), while I was reading my book today, I had an epiphany. I am reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and am finding myself very intrigued by some of the discoveries that she made. If you liked the movie - the book is far more insightful. We, as Americans, are so busy with getting things done in an efficient manner in order to put more in our days that we fail to enjoy life to the fullest and to wholly understand our purpose. Through mediation that is practiced in Hinduism, one is in the pursuit to find connection with their soul, which is connected to God and to the universe. She compares it to listening to your heart rather than to your head. I need a lot more of that in my life.
So I've decided to try meditating. Just get a feel for it through this next semester. I also want to look into the practice of Hinduism when I grow up and move to a bigger city. It is not that I am unhappy with Catholicism - quite the contrary- it's just that I want to explore a more efficient means of practice with the one I have already. We'll see how it goes....
On a kind of side note: one of my favorite quotes and lessons in the book was when a friend of hers in Italy tells her, "Do not apologize for crying. WIthout this emotion, we are only robots." I'm going to cry freely more often. No reservations. And I'm not going to apologize.
All this stems from feeling so small and individual and part of something so magnificently HUGE. From what I have read, meditation brings about a similar feeling. I am on a quest to find it...........
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Torn
So lately, with the coming of the end of the semester, I have been thinking a lot about where I will be next year. And I cannot for the life of me decide which one I want to most definitely want to have... I'm getting ready to send out all my packets that I have spent several weeks compiling telling grad schools about how great of a hard worker I am, how badly I want to be in their program, and all the while, constantly being reminded of the work I have done... It makes me want to get into Penn State SO DAMN BAD!!!!! Taking classes with other actors who are all good and who all want to be good. Living in a new place that isn't Kansas. Traveling to England. Doing Shakespeare!!! Getting an MFA - a degree that says I now qualify for a job that is better for McDonald's (Side note: I have applied to work for them. They don't want me. Neither does Taco Bell.). Really just getting into any of my top 10 grad schools means getting to study more with new people who's ideas and values are fresh and insightful!
But then that means I would be spending a year without Josh. Sure, I can look at this and say - with a firm belief, mind you - that we could make it work. But what if - what if, on that off chance, it doesn't? If it was the option of going to grad school and loosing him, I would obviously stay in Emporia for another year. And that wouldn't be so bad. I could work a lot and make some much needed money. I could read a lot of books and plays that I haven't had the chance to read due to school. I could take some dance lessons and just work out in general to try and get my body into a more workable actor's body. I could work several monologues. I could do more community service. I could prep for grad school next year - there are a handful that I really liked that were not accepting this year.... And - most importantly - I would be with Josh.
Even if it were to work out that I would get into a grad school and go and Josh and I would be just fine, how fair is it to him to already have his destination for the next 2 years picked out? Sure, he doesn't have the passion or drive I have for getting an MFA right now, but I didn't have that drive until this semester...
Yikes. This is all heavy stuff. I really just want to join the Peace Corps for a couple years and then come back and go to grad school. But I can't do that with Josh either so it would kind of defeat the purpose...
Who says I'm even qualified to get into a grad program right now anyhow? I'll just have to pray to God and trust that He will set me on the right path...
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