So lately, with the coming of the end of the semester, I have been thinking a lot about where I will be next year. And I cannot for the life of me decide which one I want to most definitely want to have... I'm getting ready to send out all my packets that I have spent several weeks compiling telling grad schools about how great of a hard worker I am, how badly I want to be in their program, and all the while, constantly being reminded of the work I have done... It makes me want to get into Penn State SO DAMN BAD!!!!! Taking classes with other actors who are all good and who all want to be good. Living in a new place that isn't Kansas. Traveling to England. Doing Shakespeare!!! Getting an MFA - a degree that says I now qualify for a job that is better for McDonald's (Side note: I have applied to work for them. They don't want me. Neither does Taco Bell.). Really just getting into any of my top 10 grad schools means getting to study more with new people who's ideas and values are fresh and insightful!
But then that means I would be spending a year without Josh. Sure, I can look at this and say - with a firm belief, mind you - that we could make it work. But what if - what if, on that off chance, it doesn't? If it was the option of going to grad school and loosing him, I would obviously stay in Emporia for another year. And that wouldn't be so bad. I could work a lot and make some much needed money. I could read a lot of books and plays that I haven't had the chance to read due to school. I could take some dance lessons and just work out in general to try and get my body into a more workable actor's body. I could work several monologues. I could do more community service. I could prep for grad school next year - there are a handful that I really liked that were not accepting this year.... And - most importantly - I would be with Josh.
Even if it were to work out that I would get into a grad school and go and Josh and I would be just fine, how fair is it to him to already have his destination for the next 2 years picked out? Sure, he doesn't have the passion or drive I have for getting an MFA right now, but I didn't have that drive until this semester...
Yikes. This is all heavy stuff. I really just want to join the Peace Corps for a couple years and then come back and go to grad school. But I can't do that with Josh either so it would kind of defeat the purpose...
Who says I'm even qualified to get into a grad program right now anyhow? I'll just have to pray to God and trust that He will set me on the right path...
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