Eclipse Epiphany

Last night I got to witness one of the most phenomenal natural wonders of our solar system.  Sure, sure a lunar eclipse comes around every 4 years, right?  But this was the first time in 300 some odd years that a total lunar eclipse had fallen on the winter solstice.  I found out a total lunar eclipse is actually a pretty big deal.  It is actually more rare than a solar eclipse.  I heard someone say (so I don't know how factual this is) that it will be another 400 years until a total lunar eclipse on a winter solstice again.  Maybe it was a total lunar eclipse period.  


It was a rare night indeed watching this lunar eclipse in Rosalia, Kansas.  The night started off cloudy and I was afraid I would miss the big event.  As the clouds began to clear away around 11 pm, it was unusually bright outside.  I went out to look at the moon at 12:15 and it was still bright.  No shadow was cast on its surface yet.  I debated sitting outside, but I had scared a skunk off when I opened the door and decided to let him have the back yard for a while.  When I went back out at 1, it was halfway covered, noticeably darker, and the clouds had formed a unique ring or circle opening around the moon.  This time I chickened out of camping out because it was colder and I had just watched Wolfman this past weekend...  At 1:45, it was almost completely covered and a slight pinkish tint was noticeable.  I thought to myself that surely wearwolves cannot get their power during a lunar eclipse, but kind of freaked out when the wind blew through some tall grass behind me.  Finally, at 2:30, when it was completely covered it was nearly pitch black outside and the entirety of the moon was pink.  The pink color came from the reflection of light coming from the earth's atmosphere - a light we provided.  It was eerie.  And cold.  And unique.  A night I will never forget.  


But the reason I won't forget it is not because of the rarity of a lunar eclipse.  It's because while I was standing alone on my back porch, my family asleep inside and my closest neighbors asleep 2 miles down the road, with raccoons and skunks and the cattle in the barn, staring at the moon, so were over a billion other people.  This eclipse that is a powerful display of the complexity and simplicity balanced in our solar system, and our extreme lack of control over nature was something that all viewers around the world were part of last night.  I was a single part of an unfathomably large scale natural wonder in which I had absolutely no affect on whatsoever.  I have never in my life, try as I might, been so in the moment as I was those 5 minute intervals I stepped outside to stare at the moon.  


Filled with the excitement of the winter solstice (I know, major hippie - it's the full moon), while I was reading my book today, I had an epiphany.  I am reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and am finding myself very intrigued by some of the discoveries that she made.  If you liked the movie - the book is far more insightful.  We, as Americans, are so busy with getting things done in an efficient manner in order to put more in our days that we fail to enjoy life to the fullest and to wholly understand our purpose.  Through mediation that is practiced in Hinduism, one is in the pursuit to find connection with their soul, which is connected to God and to the universe.  She compares it to listening to your heart rather than to your head.  I need a lot more of that in my life.  


So I've decided to try meditating.  Just get a feel for it through this next semester.  I also want to look into the practice of Hinduism when I grow up and move to a bigger city.  It is not that I am unhappy with Catholicism - quite the contrary- it's just that I want to explore a more efficient means of practice with the one I have already.  We'll see how it goes....


On a kind of side note:  one of my favorite quotes and lessons in the book was when a friend of hers in Italy tells her, "Do not apologize for crying.  WIthout this emotion, we are only robots."  I'm going to cry freely more often.  No reservations.  And I'm not going to apologize.  


All this stems from feeling so small and individual and part of something so magnificently HUGE.  From what I have read, meditation brings about a similar feeling.  I am on a quest to find it...........

Torn

So lately, with the coming of the end of the semester, I have been thinking a lot about where I will be next year.  And I cannot for the life of me decide which one I want to most definitely want to have...  I'm getting ready to send out all my packets that I have spent several weeks compiling telling grad schools about how great of a hard worker I am, how badly I want to be in their program, and all the while, constantly being reminded of the work I have done...  It makes me want to get into Penn State SO DAMN BAD!!!!!  Taking classes with other actors who are all good and who all want to be good.  Living in a new place that isn't Kansas.  Traveling to England.  Doing Shakespeare!!!  Getting an MFA - a degree that says I now qualify for a job that is better for McDonald's (Side note:  I have applied to work for them.  They don't want me.  Neither does Taco Bell.).  Really just getting into any of my top 10 grad schools means getting to study more with new people who's ideas and values are fresh and insightful! 

But then that means I would be spending a year without Josh.  Sure, I can look at this and say - with a firm belief, mind you - that we could make it work.  But what if - what if, on that off chance, it doesn't?  If it was the option of going to grad school and loosing him, I would obviously stay in Emporia for another year.  And that wouldn't be so bad.  I could work a lot and make some much needed money.  I could read a lot of books and plays that I haven't had the chance to read due to school.  I could take some dance lessons and just work out in general to try and get my body into a more workable actor's body.  I could work several monologues.  I could do more community service.  I could prep for grad school next year - there are a handful that I really liked that were not accepting this year.... And - most importantly - I would be with Josh.  

Even if it were to work out that I would get into a grad school and go and Josh and I would be just fine, how fair is it to him to already have his destination for the next 2 years picked out?  Sure, he doesn't have the passion or drive I have for getting an MFA right now, but I didn't have that drive until this semester...  

Yikes.  This is all heavy stuff.  I really just want to join the Peace Corps for a couple years and then come back and go to grad school.  But I can't do that with Josh either so it would kind of defeat the purpose...

Who says I'm even qualified to get into a grad program right now anyhow?  I'll just have to pray to God and trust that He will set me on the right path...  

In the meantime, I'll just wait......................  And make the most of my break from classes!

Giving of Thanks

With Thanksgiving having been very prevalent in the past week through dinner preparations with friends and with the excitement of anticipation for the real deal tomorrow, I've been thinking a lot about what I'm thankful for, where I'm at, and how I got here.  One person comes to mind as a strong influence in my life, really responsible for everything I am doing right now.  Julie Miller.

I met Julie at Southwestern College 3 years ago and knew immediately this was someone I had to be friends with.  She was, and still is, literally bat-shit crazy.  She is so full of ideas and dreams it's impossible not to dream yourself when you are around her and think of ALL the possibilities.  After a year and a quarter together at Southwestern College, Julie began to question whether this was the right school for her.  The same question had been flowing through my mind at different moments in time through my 2 and a half years there.  It wasn't until Julie was bold enough to press me into examining why this question was reoccurring and why I hadn't done anything about it that I really examined it.  Along with her, I weighed my options, the pros and cons of being in Winfield, the reality of going somewhere else, the costs financially, the options of other places... Every question was turned over and over between the two of us in that month before we decided to go through with it.  I remember the nervousness we had of hiding our college visits as being sick and not making it to class... I remember the terror of going into Roger and Allyson and telling them I would be going to ESU next semester.... Our last party in Winfield in which I had to say goodbye to so many fantastic people I had gotten so close to...  Hardest thing I've ever done.  But definitely the best.

Because of this transfer I have met so many more wonderful people!  I love working in the costume shop here, I love the options of classes I have - I have found a hidden talent and interest in scenic design! - I have been given great guidance by the professors here, the magic of ESU Summer Theatre has prevailed once again this past year as one of the best periods of my life - I love it here!  My first semester here I was doubting my transfer.  I didn't enjoy it.  But constant conversations with Julie have opened my eyes to looking at the present rather than the past or future.  I have met the man of my dreams and have a solid idea for what I would like in my future, but I'm not so worried it turns out exactly like that.  I can fret and worry about what I have done and what I will do, but I can change those.  I can only influence them by what I am doing at the present.  Julie Miller is the epitome of that and had made me realize that is the way to live life.

So what am I thankful for?  Friends, family, my boyfriend, this school - it all adds up to Julie Miller.  Thank you chica!

Standing O

A few weeks back I went to the touring show of the Houston Ballet here in Emporia, KS.... 

I LOVE going to ballets.  It is the perfect magical atmosphere of attending a show.  People still dress up nice for them, the casualness of clothing has not set in as it has in the theatre realm.  It's different from opera in the sense that everyone can truly appreciate ballet.  Sure, opera singers are insanely talented, but their talents are not appreciated by everyone today.  Music still plays such an important role in our world's daily life - but everyone has their own style they like.  Only true music lovers are open to the idea of different genres of music.  Dance, however, is an art form that is making a comeback.  For the longest time it was pushed out of our lives, no longer deemed necessary.  Recently reality television shows have have helped to bring a resurgence of this at form and its multiple facets.  We can all easily embrace the difficulty of moving one's body in such controlled ways that practiced dancers can.  In my opinion from my observations, it is easier for people to accept, embrace and enjoy dance...

My favorite part of a ballet is seeing all the little girls come in before the show wearing dress they wore for Christmas or Easter, their hair up in buns, a little bit of make-up on their faces to make them feel grown-up like mom, finding their seat only to trade with mom and adjust themselves on their knees to see better.  One such little girl sat by me in the back row.  They had gotten there kind of late and there were no more seats near the front - on top of that, the mother didn't want to sit that close.  Why person after person came into the theatre that night not wanting to sit in the front two thirds of the auditorium is beyond me....  This little girl had taken ballet for two years and tap for one.  She informed me that her tap shoes are kept up high though.  Her mom explained she liked the noise they made so much that she would wear them every where so now they are kept on the top shelf of the closet...

With all these children there, the dreams and hopes they generate are almost tangible in the energy of the air....  

At the end of the show, the ballet company full of 16 year-old dancers who were fantastic received a standing ovation.  My initial thought was, do these dancers really deserve a standing o?  They were good, yes, but they are young and not the best and this is small town Kansas.  This was a once in a lifetime opportunity for many of the people there....  A standing o?  Really?  Attending theatre performances here at ESU has raised that question in my mind when a production will get a few people standing up at the end if not the entire audience.  Really?

But why am I so skeptical?  This performance touched these people in a way that moved them return what they could to the performers.  Isn't that our goal?  To move people?  To plant a seed of thought or motivation?  If one person stands and claps at the end of a show, making a fool of their self, it's worth it.  It's what you came to do as a performer.  Never again will I judge the validity of a standing ovation...

"It Will Get Better"

I got on Facebook today to check up on the latest gossip as I do every day, only to find this incredible video that one of my professors from Southwestern College had posted.  Coming from a small town school with the 'butch' ideals that I am pretty comfortable assuming are similar to Texas, this shocked me.  Having a little brother the same age as these boys mentioned in this speech broke my heart.  This action that is spoke of makes me terrified to bring a child into this world.  I cannot understand how, in a world that has come so far to break international barriers and to make such progress in racism and that has a vast majority of the population recognizing themselves as religious or believing in some sort of Supreme Being, this can be tolerated and continued.  What kind of atmosphere are these bullying children being raised in?

Whether a belief is agreed with or not, we do not have the right to judge people for it.  How can the situation possibly be made better by bringing others down or planting the seed of suicide?  

I feel strongly that this video should be shared with everyone.  Email it, tweet it, blog it, facebook it - do whatever, just share it.  At the very least, share it by being an example of this man's words...

http://tv.gawker.com/5663083/this-is-the-most-touching-it-gets-better-video-you-will-ever-see

Blood Donation

So, ESU had a blood drive recently and I signed up to give blood today.  I had never had the chance to participate in a blood drive before so I was pretty excited for it!  I went in, had to read a whole bunch of matierls, briefly panicked that my trip to Europe would deter me from being able to donate, got a cool 'first-time donor' pin, got a sticker with my name on it that said I donated blood, got a free t-shirt and a number.... Then I sat and waited....  They had all the waiting seats facing the opposite direction of where the donating chairs were.  It was in the ballroom, so it's a ginormous open room.  You would be sitting there patientily, waiting to be asked multiple questions about where you've been, who you've been with, and if you've sold yourself recently - all the while, people were fainting or chatting away or listening to iPods or eating cookies while pints upon pints of blood were being bumped out.  Kind of disturbing.  However, I was still excited to do this!

They finally called my number and this delightful Red Cross nurse named Patty set me up.  She was a chatty cathy telling me all about where her work takes her in Kansas (VERY thrilling!) and about the people she works with.  Then I had to answer a whole bunch of questions.  They got kind of suspicious of me for being in Europe in the past three years, but calmed down and decided I was decontaminated when I told them it had been over 12 months ago.  Interrupting thought - That's sad.  I need to travel again.  It sure doesn't feel like a year....

Then Patty checked out both my arms, marked both of them, and decided the left was best.  I know these people do this about a bajillion times a day, but they are SOOOOO much better at finding veins than the nurses in the ElDorado Emergency Room.  After she got the needle in me, she was telling me about how it's sometimes more difficult for people who have veins closer to the side of their arm rather than in the middle (like me) and that she was going to have to hold the needle in rather than tape it.  So we were talking a little bit about the process, she told me it would only take about 5 minutes, we were watching the bag fill up.  This sounds morbid, no?  I thought it would creep me out a little bit, but I actually brought out the inner teenage boy in me and found it kind of cool!  

Then about 2 minutes in, I started to get a little dizzy.... I just told myself, "Come on, Bri.  Push through.  Take a couple of deep breaths.  You can do this." Then the black dots started closing in and I told Patty I was feeling lightheaded..... She was in the middle of saying, "Just take some deep....."  And then the tunnel rapidly closed in on me....

Just as quickly as I passed out, I came too.  But it was weird.... A whole bunch of scenes kept flashing.  In one, I'm pretty sure there was my family, in another there was Marah, in another I was in a train station... They were very vivid, but within a minute of me coming too, I lost most of the images.  The last one was of three doctors standing over me and it took me a few seconds to realize it was not my imagination, there were, in fact, real nurses asking me my name and where I was at.... It was creepy, but really badass....

They made me lay there for forever.  I thought I was going to puke.  Surprisingly, if you get dizzy, all you have to do is take a deep breath then cough.  Repeat that a couple of times and you're golden.  It was a double edged sword for me.... I thought fainting was super cool.  It was the only time I've been 100% out of control of my body.  Yet, at the same time, I didn't get to donate any blood.  They have to pull the needle from you once you faint.  Seems pretty obvious.  But now I feel like I can't wear the t-shirt.  I didn't wear my sticker all day... 

In a couple of months, I'm gonna try again....

Senioritous and Severing Ties

First of all, IT"S FALL!  I love fall!  I stumbled upon this picture that makes me think of October.... I can't wait for the leaves to turn in Emporia. It's a really beautiful place to be during the fall - there are so many colors!

Ok.  So I went to see Social Network yesterday.  It was a pretty good movie, I would recommend everyone seeing it.  If not in theaters, rent it later.  It was an interesting concept - well not concept really because all this did happen, so story - that the guy who created this social network that unifies billions of people across the world severed all ties to the people that cared about him.  He didn't do it for the money, he simply did it for the recognition.  He was so incredibly obsessed about being part of a elite social club in college that when he didn't get into one he did everything in his power to create his own social club and to throw it in a few specific people's faces.  He severed all ties to justify himself... Or what he thought was justice.  

This ties in with senioritous right now for me.  I have lazy senioritious.  I simply don't want to go to class, especially the gen eds.  It's hard to sit through Earth Science lecture and find it valuable to my education.  Whatever.  This semester is already half way done and I'm freaking about grad schools... But a few of my fellow seniors have a problem with humbleness... That's the worst case of senioritous one can get.  A snide comment was made to me that I should work in the shop all the way until closing because I had no rehearsal that evening - what could I possibly have to do?  When I replied that I had a great load of homework to complete the person answered with another cutting remark of how nice it must be to start homework before 10!  I wanted to remind this person that if they didn't wish to attend rehearsal, someone else in the department could adequately and most willingly replace them...  But I didn't.... A few of the seniors here are making it difficult to work with them.  Their years of 'hard work' here at ESU have earned them the right to superiority.  They, too, are severing ties with underclassmen and some important references they have been establishing.  I just don't understand how the little time that is left could not be cherished when it comes to spending it with the people you live with and work with on a day-to-day basis...

Another problem I am facing with severing ties is with my family.  According to them, I don't come home near enough.  And my little brother is pretty sure my boyfriend is sucking up all my time... :)  I just find it difficult to make the trip home every weekend.  And as lame as this sounds, I don't have enough gas money to do that.  I love it when I get to go home!  There is nothing more fitting for the fall than to go home on a chilly Friday evening and watch an 8-man football game.  I love it!  Especially when it's cold enough for the concession stand to sell hot chocolate...  This is the first Saturday I've spent in Emporia since classes have started.  It's just nice to take a breather sometimes.  However, I know that my career path will only take me farther away from Kansas and my time with my family will only get to be less and fare more precious... I've got to make a conscious effort to go home more...

So, yeah.  While I have a weaker rehearsal schedule this semester, I need to spend my time enjoying the people I'm around.  And I need to avoid Stuck-Up Senioritous.  One brief moment though:  I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THE CAAP TEST!  WOOT!  WOOT!  Ok.  Moving on...

Waiting....

Life in Emporia, Kansas is not exactly what I would call the most exciting.  Sure, I've got a lot going for me.  I have a tremendous boyfriend, great friends, I'm going to school in a solid theatre department, I'm not living in box, I have food on the table, my family is just a stone-throw away.... What more could a girl ask for?

Some place bigger than Emporia.  I've been in this class Professional Seminar for only about 7 weeks, it only meets twice a week, it's only one credit hour, we only meet for - at most- 30 minutes, yet it is the most demanding and stressful class I've ever taken.  It's like God is taking all those times I've asked for something to happen, something more challenging, more exciting, BIGGER to happen and has combined it into a super-sonic bundle of a class...  Within these first 5 weeks of this class, I have decided which schools I'm looking at, who I will be talking to on the phone for the next semester, monologues I will be learning and repeating to several people (in Emporia and hopefully many more outside of it as well), and I get to focus on the subject matter of all this material:  Me.  

Focusing on me in this class has lead to a deeper examination of myself than I think I have ever done.  I realize that I do not know very much about the world.  The oil spill happened about 5 1/2 months ago.  I just today read an article about it and began to understand it and the effects it will have on the gulf for years to come.  I couldn't possibly tell you what is going on in Congress right now.  In World Geography, the teacher basically slaps us all in the face by asking where a certain country (one that we've all heard of before) is located at only for all 80 of us to sit in silence until she tells us.  I CAN tell you, however, what happened on Glee last night.  (It was Brittney Spears, so cut me SOME slack...)  So I'm in the process of making myself a more intelligent person before I leave the world of undergraduate school...

Senioritous has hit me a bit too... I'm getting lazy.  I've skipped more classes this semester already than I think I ever have in any semester of college.  I'm bored outside my mind in Emporia, KS.  The highlight of my week is going to the Farmers' Market.  Which is actually pretty cool...  

The need and want to travel doesn't help things.  Two summers ago I went on an amazing trip through Europe.  People tell me it was the "trip of a lifetime" and my parents are glad I've gotten the "travel bug" out of me... They couldn't be more wrong.  The trip of my lifetime when I'm only 21?!?!  I don't think so...  There is a lot more traveling to be done by this lady...

I'm not sure what all this adds up to.  Indecision?  Apprehension?  So I'm waiting.... Waiting to see what is going to happen next....