Distance. Meh.

So Josh and I are doing the distance thing again.  Not. Fun.  Sure, it's much more mild than the 3 solid months apart this summer.  I get to see him nearly every weekend.  Things have definitely changed since the beginning of the summer.  But absolutely for the better.  Sure, it was awkward at first.  And sometimes still is since we jumped right back into not seeing each other every day after just 3 weeks of being together.

But enough about Josh!  I LOVE MY JOB!  I work with fantastic people who are all good-hearted and care about their work.  I work for a company who does terrific things in the field of theatre art.  I get paid well to do it!  Sure, its not the meaty dramas I really love, but it's pushing me in a whole new ways.  First of all, I have to sing - and very boldly at that.  Sure, it's not fine singing, but i do have to stay on pitch most of the time... And my physical work is being stretched.  As well as my vocal range and comfort.  Barb, or choreographer, said something to us actors the other day that really stuck with me.  She was trying to get us to be bigger during our songs and she said, "I don't know what it is, but today in schools they teach you guys to be so reserved and there's this thing about bringing the audience to you, drawing them in...  You can't do that here.  You have to bring it TO the audience!"  And I liked that.  Tear down that 4th wall! 

I've been blogging about my job more in depth if any of you are interested:  http://touringgirl.tumblr.com/

We're heading out on the road soon.  Autumn is here.  Yay!  I'm happy! 

Summer of fun?

So my goal for this summer was to spend time focusing on me.  I figured it was the opportune time since my other half was out of town for 3 months.  Unfortunately, it wasn't fun.

Summer theatre was a struggle I did not expect at all.  The assignments I got were fantastic and I am incredibly grateful for the opportunities I was given.  This summer was full of diversity.  However, it was a great struggle.  I was hoping for a last summer fling with Emporia involving going out to the bars frequently, swimming, working out every day...  Needless to say at didn't happen.  I was put into a position of authority which separated me from my friends.  I didn't have much of a social life.  I let one person stress me so much with their lack of work that my daily working out, eating and sleeping habits and my social life (what very little of it i had) suffered.  

On top of that my father unexpectedly lost is job.  this has forced me to grow up even more.  No asking for 20 bucks when I go home for gas money.  No asking mom if she would mind buying me a new pair of jeans before fall... Granted, that may be more spoiled than a lot of people are, but I was hoping for a tad bit more help until I started my job with WCTDC.  

Due to that and not being able to find a part time job in Emporia, I felt inclined to stay at home for a couple weeks at the end of the summer.  I came home to help my little brother with what I could for the fair.  That weekend, my family headed up to KC to help with moving my grandparents out of their house into an assisted living apartment.  That was hard.  Lots of memories, lots of siblings and lots of emotion.  The next week was full of helping out on the farm any way I could.  

Through working with people I am close to all summer and from helping my family through some tough situations, I have learned so much about myself.  It's not about who I am as my own entity or how I can do things on my own to improve myself, it's about how I react with others - how I contribute to situations.  Some of the lessons were learned in a not so pleasant way.... Others had that int of realization during the moment so I could savor it...

So what did I learn about myself? I am a very strong willed person who expects the best out of everyone.  I don't set limits onto people, I expect them to work to continually improve.  I do well with keeping a lot of my concerns internalized.  Unfortunately, that makes it more difficult for me to be wholly aware of my surroundings and it also makes it difficult for me to not close out of relationships I have....  Did I improve myself this summer? I don't know.  But I did bring to the surface many of my flaws I would like to fix.  

Now I'm with Joshie again.  So I don't have to do it on my own, because life is far more fun to go through with someone else. :)

Why Not?

Lately I have been itching to get out of Emporia, KS.  I am actually excited to be going to Hay, KS.... That's how bad I want out.  I am going to Santa Fe at the end of August to go pick up Josh and we are making plans to go to Colorado Springs and see the scenery there.  I have officially been bitten by the travel bug.  Again.

It has got me thinking...  Josh and I have talked a lot about our future and where geographically it will take us.  We've discussed moving to the UK or Germany if we don't get into grad school next year.  And we have really been looking into traveling for the long term through southeastern Asia.  Josh even brought up living in Australia or some place in South America....

While it all seems novel and exciting, I have reservations about the thought of living a somewhat nomadic lifestyle.  And I came to the realization that my biggest set back is what other people will think.  My family will have a hard time understanding and will try and talk me out of it.  It wouldn't be anything extreme, just that they won't think it is the best idea.  But if it is what I want, why should I work so hard to please them?  They will support me with whatever.  They do not see the benifit in traveling and believe that it's better to settle down and get a job.

But who says getting a job and making money to support a family is the definition of success?  The priest at Sacred Heart gave a sermon a couple weeks ago about how the western world sees rest as laziness.  In the eastern world, they are not pushed to work more than anyone else.  They take time to find themselves in the hustle and bustle of their daily lives.  To me, that is success.  Time here is spent too much trying to please others.  While I find a release from the pressure of solely pleasing others through theatre, I do not find the time to enjoy what I am really getting out of it.

So maybe success for me is learning how to watch more.  How to stop and feel more.  How to enjoy more.  And what better way to test this by traveling and immersing myself in new scenarios?

Is this real?

I now have a degree.  A BFA in Theatre.  COOL!  I will shortly have to begin paying back student loans.  Not so cool.  I have done nothing but stress the past couple of months about finding a job, paying back my loans, finding a way to do theatre and save money to move away from Emporia all at once.  And somehow, things are just falling into place...

I did get a contract for summer theatre this year at ESU.  I had mixed feelings about doing it this year, but am over that and very excited for it to start tomorrow!  I will be stage managing the first show, assisting Rick in the second, scenic designing the third and acting in the 4th.  

But summer theatre is not what I am most excited for this summer.... Josh will be gone for 13 weeks in Santa Fe.  NOT excited about that!  But it will give me time to devote even more whole-heartedly to exploring myself.  I will not be formed so much by Josh's influences, but will spend some very valuable time with myself.  I have a whole list of goals I want to accomplish this summer!  One week in and I've already got a pretty good start to it......

As I began really stressing about finding a job, I saw a posting on the call board for the Wichita Children's Theatre touring company.  I had a great friend and mentor at Southwestern College who had done it and recommended it to me and had always had an interest in children's theatre...  So.....  Why not?  I set up an audition for last Monday.  

I had to sing.  That part didn't go so well.  I had worked with Jeremy and Amanda and with a recording of the accompaniment and I felt so confident!  But as soon as I got in front of those people, it all went down the drain.  It was awful so to say... It just didn't leave me with the highest of hopes.  However, my livestock management and farm kid work ethic on my resume got their attention and lead to discussions which I think was a major attribute to me getting to be Tour Managaer!  Not exactly what I had wanted, but I think this will give me a greater challenge.  I will be making a significant amount of money, I will have the month of December off (hopefully to audition for grad schools!) and I'll be doing theatre while keeping a base in Emporia.  Only problem is that I will need work for August of this year and then April through the rest of the summer... Surely something will come of that....

Things are just working out perfectly.  I am in the right place at the right time surrounded by the right people.  I've got a positive attitude - which is good because I have a whole bunch I need to work on and a positive attitude is essential!  I just feel like I'm along for the ride.  And it's so nice not trying to control things way beyond my range of control....

Frustration

I'm sorry, but as I get closer and closer to graduation the bear of senioritous comes out more ferociously every minute.... 

l am definitely ready for a higher level of theatre whether it's educational or not.  That is one observance that has been made very clear to me during this past semester.  

One of my biggest problems with the rehearsal process is the way people warm up.  They don't.  I'm not saying I have always warmed up before rehearsals - it is something I realized was important once I came here.  I have brought it up a handful of times in post mortoms.  It doesn't matter.  People still do not warm up.  As an actor, we use our voices and bodies as our tool.  Everyone firmly believes in warming up before a production, but they do not see the need to for rehearsals.  Why?  Isn't the rehearsal process for us to grow and develop the play?  Jim Bartruff even gave a grand speech about how important it is to take at least a handful of minutes to warm up a bit and menatlly prepare yourself before a rehearsal.  He talked about how opera singers did that and how professional actors even have outside coaches just for warming up before a rehearsal.  A few people changed their ways.  Most still mosied on in 5 minutes before rehearsal eating their dinner for the evening.  We had to wait multiple times for people who were late, who didn't have their rehearsal clothing on, who were out running around in the hallway.  

Not only do a lot of students lack the motivation and need for warming up, but many lack any knowledge of the play before company meetings.  One fine actor even stated that he never read a play before the first read through, he just watches the movies of them.  Us small Kansas town college students put on Shakespeare this semester and many devoted very little time to the script.  People did not bother to look up words.  People would be completely oblivious to what their speech meant until a few rehearsals in when Jim would stop them and finally hand it to them.  It is disheartening to see fellow practitioners in this area take their work so lightly.  How can we expect others to see the validating points of our art if we cannot?

Some people still do not know exactly what they are saying.  It's the 3rd and second to last show.  And not just small roles, but major ones.  It is disappointing.  

Another part that is very upsetting to me is the lack of help in the shops.  During production week we were still craming to get things finished in the scene shop.  Nancy asked all the actors after first dress to come in an help the following Monday afternoon because they were way behind.  3 out of 20 some actors came in.  3.  That is it.  And they were the same one who have been in and out to help for the length of the build.  3.  How disappointing is that?!  On Monday night the actors were sitting in the house getting notes and Nancy, Josh and Al were beginning to paint.  Only one actor asked if they needed help afterwards.  One.  We were there until 1 that night.  Things got finished and the set and costumes looked great!  But most of the actors felt they were above getting their hands dirty.  They are ac-tohrs.  They should not have to do this stuff.  HOW ELSE DO YOU LEARN?!?!??!  It just baffles me the amount of disregard we have for each others' work in this small department.  We are a generalist program.  You are not going to walk away with a degree in theatre with an emphasis in anything.  So you damn well better know the facets of theatre.

Ok.  That was really negative.  There have been some super amazing and beautiful things come form this show.  And I will write about those later.  I just needed to get some of those negative juices from my mind....  I am forgetting the bad and enjoying the good as I enter my last undergraduate show night....

A New Direction...

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

~Jimmy Dean

I know.  it's pretty deep for a guy who makes breakfast sausages (just kidding, he was a country music singer).  It's how I need to think right now. 

I haven't really given it the chance to soak in yet, but I am staying in Emporia next year.  No grad schools wanted me.  Now I have to find a crappy job and stay in Emporia, Kansas.  Doing no theatre.  

On the one hand, it will be great because I won't have to do the whole distance thing with Josh.  We are going to have to face that this summer while he's in Santa Fe and I'm not looking forward to those 3 months.  I have a hard time imagining myself coping over the span of a whole school year.  

And I'll be saving money.  I have been a little careless with the gravity of credit and my credit card has proven burdensome.  Hopefully I can get it all paid off by the end of December and then save money to move away from Emporia. Oh, and start paying off my student loans.  Provided I can get a decent job or two.  

I won't be living with boys!  I will be living with ONE GIRL.  And in a nice apartment!  I am very excited for that!  

But I am scared of what will happen to me in that year.  I will not be doing any theatre.  I am loving every moment of preparation I have been doing for Titania in Midsummer's and am working on breaking my inhibitions in trying new things in rehersals rather than trying to have the right answer when I'm there (what else is practice for?!).  I have a contract for this summer and I am getting do something new: scene design.  I get to work with Rick on his show and then design Barefoot in the Park which I am excited/nervous/overwhelmed/terrified/ecstatic over!  And my last show on Bruder will be the children's theatre show that will give me the chance to work with Ben and Susie's designs.  

But then what?  I will no longer be a college student, but I'll be hanging out with all of them - so I essentially still will be?  But without the perks of knowing what's going on in the department and having the common bond of late nights spent in the design room...  I'm terrified I'm not going to grow any but be stuck in one place in my life longer than I should be.

I'm going to make it a year for me.  About me.  I am going to teach myself how to play the guitar.  I am going to learn Spanish.  I'm going to READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm going to brush up on my piano skills.  I'm going to take voice lessons.  I'm going to do yoga.  I'm going to meditate.  I have spent the last 22 years of my life cramming it full of any activity I could possibly be involved with.  Now I'm going to take a step back, take a deep breath and explore what I want to, not what I am expected to...

Making the Wheels Turn

Whoa.  I "stumbleupon"-ed this website just tonight.  Josh had found it last week and read it to me and it had left a lingering thought in my mind.  And now I find it again so soon and all my thoughts and ponderings on the meaning of life have resurfaced and I am sure will be at the front of my mind for the next week.  I feel like everyone should read this - it will make the wheels start turning... 

I wish I could give credit to the guy who wrote this, but it is all anonymous..... Enjoy. 

You were on your way home when you died.  

It was a car accident.  Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless.  You left behind a wife and two children.  It was a painless death.  The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail.  Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that's when you met me.

"What... what happened?"  You asked.  "Where am I?"

"You died," I said, matter-of-factly.  No point in mincing words.

"There was a... a truck and it was skidding..."

"Yup," I said.

"I... I died?"

"Yup.  But don't feel bad about it.  Everyone dies," I said.

You looked around.  There was nothingness.  Just you and me.  "What is this place?" You asked.  "Is this the afterlife?"

"More or less," I said.

"Are you God?" You asked.

"Yup," I replied. "I'm God."

"My kids... my wife," you said.

"What about them?"

"Will they be all right?"

"That's what I like to see," I said.  "You just died and your main concern is your family.  That's good stuff right there."

You looked at me with fascination.  To you, I didn't look like God.  I just looked like some man.  Or possibly a woman.  Some vague authority figure, maybe.  More of a grammar school teacher tha the almightly.

"Don't worry," I said.  "They'll be fine.  Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way.  They didn't have time to grow contempt for you.  Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved.  To be fair, your marriage was falling apart.  If it's any consolation, she'll feel very guilty for feeling relieved."

"Oh," you said.  "So what happens now?  Do I go to heaven or hell or something?"

"Neither," I said.  "You'll be reincarnated."

"Ah," you said.  "So the Hindus were right."

"All religions are right in their own way," I said.  "Walk with me.

You followed along as we strode through the void.  "Where are we going?"

"Nowhere in particular," I said.  "It's just nice to walk while we talk."

"So what's the point, then?" You asked.  "When I get reborn, I'll just be a blank slate, right?  A baby.  So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won't matter."

"Not so!"  I said.  "You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives.  You just don't remember them right now."

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders.  "Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine.  A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are.  It's like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it's hot or cold.  You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you've gained all the experiences it had.

"You've been a human for the last 58 years, so you haven't stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness.  If we hung out here for long enough, you'd start remembering everything.  But there's no point to doing that between each life."

"How man times have I been reincarnated, then?"

"Oh lots.  Lots and lots.  And into lots of different lives," I said.  "This time around, you'll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD."

"Wait, what?" You stammered.  "You're sending me back in time?"

"Well, I guess technically.  Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe.  Things are different where I come from."

"Where you come from?" You said.

"Oh sure," I explained, "I come from somewhere.  Somewhere else.  And there are others like me.  I know you'll want to know what it's like there, but honestly you wouldn't understand."

"Oh," you said, a little let down.  "But wait.  If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point."

"Sure.  Happens all the time.  And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don't even know it's happening."

"So what's the point of it all?"

"Seriously?" I asked.  "Seriously?  You're asking me for the meaning of life?  Isn't that a little stereotypical?"

"Well it's a reasonable question," you persisted.

I looked you in the eye.  "The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature."

"You mean mankind?  You want us to mature?"

"No just you.  I made this whole universe for you.  With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect."

"Just me?  What about everyone else?"

"There is no one else," I said.  "In this universe, there's just you and me."

You stared blankly at me.  "But all of the people on earth..."

"All you.  Different incarnations of you."

"Wait.  I'm everyone?!"

"Now you're getting it," I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

"I'm every human being who ever lived?"

"Or who will ever live, yes."

"I'm Abraham Lincoln?"

"And you're John Wilkes Booth, too," I added.

"I'm Hitler?" you said, applled.

"And you're the millions he killed."

"I'm Jesus?"

"And you're everyone who followed him."

You fell silent.

"Every time you victimized someone," I said, "You were victimizing yourself.  Every act of kindness you've done, you've done to yourself.  Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you."

You thought for a long time.

"Why?"  You asked me.  "Why do all this?"

"Because someday, you will become like me.  Because that's what you are.  You're one of my kind.  You are my child."

"Whoa," you said, incredulous.  "You mean I'm a god?"

"No.  Not yet.  You're a fetus.  You're still growing.  Once you've lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born."

"So the whole universe," you said, "It's just..."

"An egg."  I answered.  "Now it's time for you to move on to your next life."

And I sent you on your way.

"Josh's Girlfriend"

Ok.  So this one is a bit of a rant.  Bear with me.

This semester I have been forced to take Stage Lighting so I can get my degree.  Like it's essential or something.... Josh is taking Costume Construction at that time. Talk about a messed up universe.  I'm pretty sure the entire universe stops for those 50 minutes because it's so confused.  Anyhow.  I have heard how tough Ron's tests are and such and I have NEVER understood lights.  My good friend Jamie does them and while we were both at Southwester, I always was in awe of her for knowing all this stuff that was so utterly confusing to me and so completely not interesting.

So I've been busting my ass to get a good grade in that class.  I have read the book, took detailed notes and asked Josh questions that I have been confused about for the tests.  I've gotten 97 and 100 on both of the tests!  Super happy about that!

We had an assignment in class that I surprisingly really enjoyed.  We were to cue a song of our choice in the light lab.  I chose the ridiculous song by Britney Spears:  Bombastic Love.  I had so much fun!  I had used a board like the one in the lab at Southwestern (O Lordy, the fears that the name 'Eagerheart' brings to light board ops) so I knew how to set cues and use the board to it's full potential.  I used a gobo.  That was the only part Josh had to help me on.  He was gone the entire week I worked on this and came back on Sunday and let me run it for him.  He told me it was impossible to use a gobo on the lights in the lab, but I could use the ERS on the stand in the room.  That was it.  As soon as I finished my kickass show in class everyone said, "Wow.  Do you know Josh Taylor?"  

What the hell.  Seriously?  I spent 5 hours in this light lab by myself designing this.  Josh was not even in town.  He had no phone for me to call and answer questions.  

The excuse for me getting such high scores on the tests is that I am dating Josh Taylor.  How the hell does that get me good scores?  One of his roommates is in that class.  He didn't get a high score.  3 or 4 or the other students in the class are his good friends and they didn't get as high as scores as I do.  It's because I asked for help.  I asked intelligent questions of him.  Everyone else in that class could have.  No one did.  

I just get enraged when people when people attribute my hard work to Josh because I'm his girlfriend.  I'm just an intelligent human being who asks questions.  Josh isn't that bad ass, I am....

Why Is It?

So, a few things have been on my mind lately.  And they are irksome little things that happen that cannot be avoided, yet it really gets under my skins....

Why is it that whenever you are trying to get somewhere on time or get something done one time, that all the fates in the world work against you?  That happened to me this week with work.  I really needed to work in the shop, but it was closed.  My job at the newspaper proved to be horrifyingly difficult for me. This is my biggest fear for next week as I head to Chicago for grad school auditions...  I am not nervous for getting in to one or not.  I know what will happen is going to happen and I firmly believe there is an overall plan for it.  I am going in as prepared as I can be.  But I have a feeling I will let my stress take me over about catching transportation to the hotel rather than enjoying the fact that I am auditioning in Chicago....

Why is it that people need to be recognized for their charity?  Watching tv last night a commercial came on for a new reality series where a millionaire goes in disguise to be involved with someone/some organization that needs money and then surprises them in the middle of a meeting or something by saying they are rich as shit and want to give them money.  Yay.  That's cool.  But also sickening.  This is a major flaw I find with Oprah.  If you have all this money, why do you need people watching you spend it in a good way?  You didn't need to publicize it on tv when you bought a yacht.  Or college education at an ivy league school for your child.  Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled this is the direction reality tv has finally gone in.  But it's disgusting.  Why do people need that recognition?

Why is it so expensive to travel?  Sure, there are cheap ways of doing it, but even for those you need some money saved up.  I feel like it's a necessary experience for at least 90% of the world's population.  It helps people understand other cultures better.  It opens eyes and minds up to new possibilities.  It's fun.  Why is it denied to so many people?

Practice Makes Perfect

So I'm a fool.  At least I feel like one.  I knew that over Christmas break I procrastinated preparing monologues that I would be using at the beginning of the semester; however, I didn't realize how foolish that was until the middle of KCACTF...

I realized this as I was preparing in my hotel room for my professional summer stock audition that I was so unprepared.  Sure, I had multiple monologues to choose from depending on how I was feeling that day, but a couple of them were definitely not up to par.  I then looked back and asked myself when do I work on my craft?  When I get cast in a show?  Sure, that's important, but I need to hone my craft before I get into shows.  

I spent all semester last fall in an independent study with Bartruff working on analyzing and performing Shakespeare.  It was fantastic!  Very rarely does a student get one on one time with the Beard.  It was probably the most rewarding time I have ever spent.  I felt like I was straight out of the RSC workshop when John Barton aired a television series about how to play Shakespeare.  However, I haven't worked on anything else.  I feel like that is completely necessary of me as an actor.  I spend time in the costume shop working and expanding my skills.  Music people are constantly practicing their craft.  I need to spend more time in the studio in front of the mirror.  Or.... eek!  the dreaded camera!  

Also, even though I studied some Shakespeare monologues and Jim gave me his vote of confidence by recommending I use my Lady Macbeth purple speech for callbacks at URTAs, I still had a serious slide of confidence at summer stock auditions at KCACTF.  I thought to myself, "How often have I performed Shakespeare?  What the hell qualifies me to even audition for it?"  So clearly my work needs to continue in this area...

I am excited to continue my work with Bartruff in a continuance of my Shakespeare independent study.  However, I am going to do more.  There are always shows I want to do.  Like Doubt.  How soon will I get to do that, if ever?  Why not perfect a monologue just for myself?  I will get to do work I want to do.  What a novel idea....